First, an actual animal!
You would think the name of the team would be The Grizzlies, or something in that vein, but no; this bear is a mascot for The Jazz… *crickets* Yeah….that makes a LOT of sense. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always thought of bears as Jazz fans (both the musical style and the sports team). I’m a big fan of the headband that seems to be crushing the bear’s eyeballs.
How about another animal?
Um, well I would almost go so far as to say that this is the absolute least frightening mascot that anyone has ever come up with. Did I mention that this is the representative of the Indiana Pacers? Hmmm, Pacers → ugly stupid dog?? Maybe they’re trying to represent their team name literally… with a scrappy, retarded dog that would most definitely have to pace himself during even the most mundane tasks. His name’s Bowser, as if his life weren’t miserable enough already.
Well, it’s not like this next guy’s name is any better, though I can’t find any correlation between his name and his personality. His name’s Dinger…
…and he looks fairly flamboyant, not stupid like his name would imply. He doesn’t actually get constantly beaned by baseballs. I’m not quite sure what the multi-colored, polka dot knee pads are for; though I’m not quite sure how he keeps his hat on either. As you can see from the picture, he’s the mascot for the Colorado Rockies, because when I think of mountains, the first thing that comes to mind is a dinosaur.
On to the ridiculous!
Well. I think he’s drunk! Why else would his eyes look like that while his mouth hung gaping open, readily drooling. Apparently “Radar” is the mascot for some football team in Arkansas called The Tornadoes. I have not been able to find any team named this located in Arkansas, so I am forced to conclude that he is simply due to a bad acid trip. How else would you explain the bad Elmo wig? Since I don’t know what he is, I’m quite confused as to why he has horns as well.
I don’t think they give “Phanatics” drivers’ licenses. I’m pretty sure those are reserved for humans who don’t look like they spit baseballs out for a living. Is that white thing in his mouth supposed to be a tongue? Look, I know the Phillies were trying to make the best of the fact that their mascot is completely uncreative, name-wise, but trying to invent the craziest monster anyone has ever seen is just distracting to the actual baseball game. The entire time, people are totally going to be staring at this thing, mouths agape, and thinking, “what the heck?”
At least he’s better than this thing:
I was unaware that basketballs turned green when set on fire. Why you would place that emblem as your mascot’s nose is beyond me, though I like how they try to convey “fire” with sparkly tendrils on his head and scabby, burned palms. To add insult to injury, this poor soul, who is constantly in flames, is named Burnie.
Finally, three actual corporate mascots like I promised, yay!
OH YEAH!!! Though I do feel sorry for the unnamed soda, whose costume apparently has no way to see, I had nightmares of the Kool-Aid guy busting through my wall when I was young. Shame on you for associating with that, soda!
I’m not sure how this manic depressive paintbrush is supposed to promote The Home Depot, I mean I know he’s forcing a smile, but the eyes say it all. Y’know, someone ought to find this guy a new stylist; maybe a new hairdo could up his self esteem a bit!
To end the night, the Chase Suite Hotel Guy:
Seriously. It’s a sun that’s sprouted arms and legs, dressed in a western get-up, complete with stars, and wearing both a sombrero (you know that’s what it is because it says “amigo” on it) and superhero boots. I don’t know why this is supposed to make you want to stay in their hotel. It kind of made my eyeballs throw up actually. I think I can honestly say that this terrifies me more than the pedophile version of Ronald McDonald, and that says a lot.
Now, try to go to sleep while imagining that thing standing next to your bed, staring at you.
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