I Thought Marketing Campaigns Were Supposed to Make People Want to Buy Stuff

When you’re trying to market something like a brand or product, what’s one of the first ideas that pops into your mind? A mascot. Something recognizable as a brand representative. Unfortunately for many cereals, sports teams, and other kinds of food items, they have hired ad agencies that willingly employ drug addicts. I was always under the impression that mascots were supposed to entice you to buy things, not terrify you to the depths of your soul, but then again, as these guys will tell you, most cartoons and things of that nature are evil. This can only mean that mascots are also evil.



Of course he’s from Texas! Like we don’t already have enough crazies giving us a bad name. Also, why would a parent name his child “Phil Phillips?” I know these people could probably find examples of the occult in the Care Bears, but look at their “proof”: Scooby Doo and He-Man. These shows revolve around paranormal activity! Sadly, the only reason any cartoon has occult influences at all is that their creators have been doing a lot of LSD, and the concept for the show just seemed like a good idea at the time. Somehow, I don’t see Phil going into a toy store as a strange thing. He gives off that kind of creepy vibe. And, Phil? By purchasing said toy you’re just supporting our evil occult overlords whose main goal in life is destroying our childrens’ immortal souls.

Speaking of LSD, how much sense does it make to advertise your business with a clown when there is a huge percentage of the population that is utterly petrified by clowns. Especially if your “clown” looks like this:



Drunk, colorblind hobo suddenly comes to mind for some reason. You know, I would find the nearest hat (or tray filled with fast food) if someone butchered my hair like that too, but that doesn’t explain the disposable cup nose. Makeup: horrible. Outfit: horrible. Why would you embarrass him by putting him on skates when it’s obvious he can’t do it? Also, introducing yourself doesn’t make you NOT a stranger. Now you’re a creepy stranger who’s trying to convince kids to trust him by handing out free hamburgers. Remember how you’re not supposed to take candy from strangers, kids? I’m pretty sure the same applies to hamburgers. Am I the only one who noticed that he managed to get the kid to push him by the butt at the end?

We all know they revamped Ronald, quite possibly trying to make him less creepy. Now his outfit is more psychotic and we have a national clown mascot that looks like he scalped Raggedy Ann for his hairdo. Oh, they also gave him sidekicks who were obviously conjured up on a bad acid trip.



I don’t think I can say anything to add to that.

Food mascots aren’t limited to fast food, they also have mascots for cereal, like Count Chocula:


Aah! I didn’t really remember him being that scary! And, hey, you want to give your kids a good reason to not eat his sugar-bomb cereal? Point out the fact that he only has one tooth left, quite possibly from eating too much of his own creation. Besides that, he just looks completely deranged, and I can’t tell if he’s wearing a weird hat or if his hair is actually made up of latex. Next?


This would be the Crazy Craving from Honeycomb cereal. It’s not that he makes me not want to buy Honeycomb cereal; it goes way beyond not wanting their product. He scares me so badly that he makes me want to run, screaming, to the nearest pawn shop, steal a shotgun, and then run, screaming, back so I can shoot it in the face, thereby keeping mankind safe from this monster.

They’ve also come up with mascots to try to promote more healthful food.


the Big Fig Newton

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I think someone got a little confused by the whole “drag queen” concept. That, or he mistakenly wandered into the audition that happened to be next door to the drag convention and the casting director thought he was too good to pass up. They obviously threw him in the…fig?... garlic?...suit right then and filmed without bothering to take off his makeup. It makes him look pretty, right?

Ok, so you’ve gotten kids to eat fruit cookies, how about real fruit?



That’s the complete opposite of the correct way to get kids to eat fruit. You didn’t think about the fact that kids are scared of monsters, did you? Hey, kids: eat your fruit and eat it fast or you might accidentally drop it and the monster living inside will come out and eat you! So, to recap: kids will run screaming from oranges for fear of the monster, they won’t want to eat it for fear of eating the monster, and they will be scarred for life from ever touching an orange again. If they manage to get past the terrifying-ness, you’ve also turned them into label whores. Good job.

Well, I’m now too nauseated to eat, and I’m going to have nightmares about that orange monster. Or Ronald…I hope the rest of you fare better tonight.